Loosing my Invincibility
I always need that added inspiration something crazy to happen for me to start attacking the keyboard I must admit this has been the hardest week for me not because of internal pains of nightmares of the crash but because of the sheer magnitude of losing my invincibility
For this brief moment I had absolutely no control over what was happening to me and that overwhelms me …
My first taught after the crash was no this is not happening I did not just crash this is not happening absolute deniability because that’s Tashi totally in control of everything pertaining to the day to day running of my life every move I make is carefully taught of and planned from budgets , to trips , to outings , to work to weekends
I box and organize everything and create mini plans for it all , That weekend I had a plan the Friday went according to plan and the Saturday was in motion . . . Wake up get to my beautician … stop of to get a coffee first that was planned for too because I left home 20min earlier and had to find a way to fill the time gap… do some shopping for my mum be back to watch the bulls then plan the evening
Man oh man did I ever think I could plan for what happened next and that’s when I had lost my invincibility! Seriously I lost it all
I’m always harping to my girls that it’s all part of god’s plan but then I always secretly believed that I was helping god plan my life that I could take everything and work it out .. Set a route and it will all go that way
if you know me well and most of you do, you know that I have absolutely no problem standing my ground if something bugs me I just don’t let it go hey I have had major arguments with some of my best friends because of how I never give up and don’t ask where I get it from but that defines me and now I realize its utter nonsense just why do I have to be right about everything if I’m not right does it really matter isn’t there more to life that the consequence of not being right
I’ve secretly been arrogant and self righteous about my convictions values and beliefs I have always believed in god but for most of my life have never truly realized that we cannot control everything it was just the advice I give others because I also always have to be a Florence nightingale too . I will be the first to admit that before the crash this was Tashi’s world and I just let the rest of you live in it and now I see how mortal I am and how wrong I’ve sometimes been. no offence Suzie Orman but u never helped me plan for this I never even imagined that it could happen to me scary stuff but that’s WHy I say I lIved with a air of Invincibility before now
That day I could not argue my way out of god changing my plans Before last Saturday death never occurred to me. I’ve watched my dad fight for his life everyday and thank god his always come back but in terms of mortality I never even taught of death I mean I’m 24 I never realised my life is not guaranteed
I don’t believe in being spontaneous it’s not in my nature but if the crash has taught me anything it’s definitely to start living with the attitude of why not instead of why
Do I have the answers now am I enlightened now??? NO far from it
I sit with more uncertainty than I had before Saturday I have not miraculously changed non of the Deepak chopra hogwash you expect after a life changing event but I have realized I don’t and will never have all the answers
I think for the most part my shock has subsided but my sense of mortality has returned will I go on being a master planner? Probably . but don’t ask me what I’m going to do this December holidays because im still trying to figure out the next hour
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