Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Theory of Emotional Independence ... A Diva Love story ...






No man is an island? But what about a woman can she be an island?

Here’s why I say a woman can be an island if she chooses to be so, maybe sometimes she needs to be an island … it’s my theory of emotional independence and self love ,  and it proves that sometimes that’s just what we need .When I first embarked on this journey, I called it a serious relationship with the only person that matters the most in this world … MYSELF.  A committed relationship with yourself is a wonderful experience, Just for a while taking a break and staying back and discovering what you are about ,  Time to think ….Time to dream …. Time to live AND discover yourself ….Enough time to learn to make your own decisions based on your own needs first and the worlds later, it helps you regain the power you didn’t even realize you had
Then it hits you with full force, are we really meant to be alone? Probably not but if we had to be alone would things be ok? And the answer I walk away with is hell yeah I’d be just fine .
The more time you spend alone the more you become sure about who you are and what you want from life. You learn about what makes you happy what makes you cry .What your emotions can and won't  handle but perhaps the best part about been alone is you transcend the naivety of girlhood.
When I set out on this journey of self discovery my intentions were clear, I needed to discover a few things about myself… I needed to fully understand my emotions and perhaps most importantly I needed to get to know who I was living with for the past 26 years.

At  first the theory started out as a tormented challenge I posed to myself , to see how well I could do on my own. I must admit the theory came into being when I was experiencing a bit of heartache , so at that point all men were pond scum and I was convinced they were of no real value to woman , I remember it been a total extreme I vowed to be alone forever against all institutions of duality and partnership (the typical "I hate the world " kind of juvenile behavior you can expect from a person afraid to show hurt )… thankfully the theory evolved and it became less about my pain and heartache and anti love agenda and  more about learning about myself and the inner diva that was fighting to shine thru  , the one  rule I followed  was that,   I could not break up with myself to date anyone else and now that some time has passed and I’ve had the time to discover ,  I come away from it learning the following :

  • A relationship cannot define me or confine me  I alone hold both these powers.  I confine myself by the limitations I set ; I define myself by my own self image

  • Timelines no longer matter it is not about my late twenties or early twenties, I will not be bothered by the fear of age and time passing because if I do I will forget to enjoy today. I recently spent the week of my 26th birthday crying and full of melancholy. It was a drama queen performance of note! I stepped into this zone of disbelief and fear because the sordid taught of growing old was unbearable, I refused to celebrate with the people who loved me the most all because the prospect of my future was placing stress on my present, and then at about 3pm on my birthday afternoon, I realized I wasted one of the most important moments of my life because of sheer silliness.  But thankfully I still had time to celebrate because there was so much to celebrate … I had learnt so many life lessons, I had so much to be great full for and I had so much going for me it was ridiculous that I was so blinded by my age phobia that I couldn’t see it … but perhaps the best part of my self inflicted struggle was that have decided to celebrate every year of my life with passion and enthusiasm because each year is another year to be grateful for.  It just means more time to live life and do the millions of thing I dream of doing!

  • This journey has taught me to be open to the possibilities of my life no matter what they may be the best part about life is you cannot plan EVERY moment . I have set some big goals In this time and I  have achieved some really cool goals too , focusing on myself has given me an opportunity to put all my energy on my dreams and aspirations which have now become definable targets that I can’t wait to meet 

  • While the theory might have started all this It had its flaws and here’s why… Never use the theory as an excuse …The theory of emotional independence while true and practical should not become an excuse to be alone out of fear of hurting, yes you only need yourself to get through most of life’s situations but should independence translate into becoming a lonely empty person? certainly not … while I have still not worked out my feelings about  love , marriage and commitment and the sort , the self discovery has taught me an unexpected lesson that a woman can certainly live alone and survive quite comfortably should she have to but does she want to ? Probably not , so while emotional independence is great never be foolish enough to use it as an excuse to be alone and that brings me to my next point …

  • The past should be left there and the characters of the past should not influence your future by feeding inner phobias and fear. the one protection your heart has is self belief , Because it makes you realize that no pain lasts forever all is temporary. Human beings have an ability to heal physically and emotionally so always know that one day you will wake up and just like that you’ll be over him. Don’t give someone a chapter in your story when his only worth a paragraph .Self love heals all wounds self belief makes your heart immune to hurt. Self love also gives you the strength to stand up to him when he does come back it helps you fight back and gives you a voice so even thou the day he comes back  you will be paralyzed in disbelief and Temped to forgive and disregard the hole he left in your heart , the diva in you stays on guard … the most amazing feeling is when you forgive forget accept but never tolerate … and when you have the guts to tell him to get lost you know that your unconditional self love is prevailing

  •  Self love  is the assurance I have …I now know the next man I date will love the me I love! He will love all the facets of me that I know, love , accept and treasure.  He would have to love my strong personality, my hair with or without the GHD or my face without the Estee Lauder. But most importantly he’d need to accept that I will always have an opinion ,  it will always be strong and it will always be voiced and in turn I will have to realize that I am not always right and respect that he has one too.

  • I now also know that the next relationship I have will be based on interest and respect which will grow into more should I choose it too, my self love has made me vow never to be bored by a man’s conversation again, never to wonder why I’m dating someone, never to seek anyone’s approval but my own, never to settle for the Madeira sponge when chocolate ganache or red velvet cake is somewhere out there. Never make excuses for who I am and to never ever be made to feel any less then the diva I am … while I don’t expect a relationship to run on my terms on conditions, self love has given me time to reflect on a set of standards for my own happiness and every action I take from this point is to maintain and grow that happiness. All other relationships in my life would need to contribute to that happiness or be removed. I now know what is and what is not acceptable to me and while I might have always known my tolerance level I now have a strike out policy to enforce it. No more excuses for anything less than a spark no more tolerating treatment any less then I would give in return and no more Florence nightingale Syndrome

 After many years I have finally learnt to unconditionally love myself. I might just let someone love me too And if after a while he falls out of love with me that   will be fine, because I will still love and accept myself enough to be happy and that is the biggest benefit of loving yourself!

So on a personal note I’d like to say …Stella doesn’t need to get her groove back she just needs to fall in love again… but this time it needs to be with herself …
I am a believer in the theory that if you don’t love yourself no one else will
So to those divas that are falling in love with themselves I say welcome to the best part of your life J

I’m an obsessed “sex and the city” fan and my favorites quote is something Carrie said that resonates with me and is the essence of my whole theory …

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous. " Carrie Bradshaw