The Diva Guide to Knowing Good Confectionary : Men defined in Terms of Cake !

I have a highly educated sweet tooth

Fortunately I can back it up as I consider myself to be a expert baker and a self proclaimed lamington queen
But as with most good things in life , cake comes with the trappings of hidden calories so when choosing your slice of cake you need to always be carefull and go for the kind that's worth the trouble ...
After intense taught I've realized that some cakes can be metaphorically defined and likened to most men out there
So here it is ladies MEN DEFINED IN TERMS OF CAKE .... Here's hoping this helps you recognize quality confectionary from mass produced processed garbage

TRIPE LAYER CHOCOLATE GANACHE (Calorie Rating 10/10 Quality Rating 6/10 )
Highly sought after , smooth ,indulgent , multi faceted , mood enhancing .... Iced with dangerous sweetness and charm .... This cake occupies center stage in the cake fridge ... its impressive and really good looking so delicious and has a really tempting shape and form ( in male terms that would mean the body of a greek god and the face of an Indian movie star ). But be careful !!! this cake exudes confidence and he knows his at the top of the dessert hierarchy ... It will always be impossible to fully trust Ganache , after all which woman wouldn't want all that chocolate ??? This makes your slice of triple layer chocolate Ganache a hot target and always in vogue .... The major issues here is that EVERYONE WANTS A BITE OF YOUR SLICE! And given that this one aims to please you'll never know just how many are obliged

PECAN PIE (Calorie Rating 8/10 Quality Rating 6/10 )
Ridiculously Decedent but often pretentious
Obnoxiously Rich – and oozing with tons of empty calories (AKA Issues)
This one might look tempting at first and those initial bites would satisfy your every need, however pretty soon you'll be regretting taking such a large slice
Pecan Pie is legendary but it's constantly in need of a condiment ... a bit of whipped cream to enhance it and bring balance. the condiment is always something less exciting and bland .... Warning DON'T BECOME THE WHIPPED CREAM . Remember its always going to be ONLY ABOUT THE PIE!
This is considered to be the Narcissist of all the options in the cake fridge. Pecan pie does not require the whipped cream for any other reason but to enhance his appeal and make him more Palatable
As good as he sounds at first be prepared to take a back seat and be just there as the side order

MADEIRA SPONGE ... (Calorie rating 5/10 --- Quality rating 5/10 )
Highly processed ... best when fresh
This is always a safe bet
Not too interesting yet still has some substance
Not too indulgent and lacks spark and Flair
Lacks excitement but passes for palatable
This kind of cake goes down well at Sunday tea but is most likely to not be a show stopper at many other events
Vanilla flavored making him easy to digest, consistent, reliable and suitable for most tastes
Not easily recognizable as it can be iced with the most appealing of decoration
The danger is once you've bitten past the icing be prepared for monotonous undertones and sheer boredom !
Your interest will definitely fade and this cake could easily end up unused and stale
That's when you might need to let it become part of a trifle or set it free so he can find a tipsy tart instead
Settling for Madeira Sponge could lead to gastronomical anti-climax , so recognize the signs early or you might have to stock up on loads of Ice cream and custard to keep it tolerate it

Brandy Fruit Cake (Calorie Rating 6/10 – Quality Rating 2/10)

A cheap thrill and highly seasonal!
Can only be enjoyed once or twice a year
Not to be taken too seriously as it has so man y loose calories and issues
There purely as entertainment and a to create a seasonal flavor , nutty and fruity but downright crazy
Most likely to excite and delight enjoy in moderation and never keep till after the new year as it is most likely to mould and rot and will serve no real purpose past its sell by date
Easily recognizable because its constantly contains large amounts of alcohol and festive cheer .

RED VELVET WITH CREAM CHEESE FROSTING ( Calorie Rating 4/10 – Quality Rating 9/10)

Not quite chocolate, But not Quite Vanilla Either
This cake will always remain a mystery and that's what will make him constantly alluring
One of those cakes with layers of complex flavors that make it really hard to determine what exactly about it satisfies you ...
Light and Fluffy yet rich and full of depth
Balanced and decadent containing the perfect amount of excitement ...
Pleasing to the eye and highly appealing and as the name suggests velvety smooth but with sincerity and honesty rather than ostentatious flashiness ...
Very much an individual and not easily compared to other cakes . This one is rare and can never be defined by the usual standard as it's always a slice above the rest ... once found should be kept and enjoyed ;-)

All cakes have Calories you just need to be sure to find the right balance between calories and quality
We never get to choose the cake it somehow chooses us ... so once spotted you'll be hooked drawn to it like any sweet tooth is to a slice of heaven . It's always important to look past the icing and have a realistic idea of what you dealing with also remember that some cakes naturally go well with certain tarts so steer clear of those ...
Cake does eventually go stale therefore it's up to you to keep it fresh and exciting however just a tip never go for the cake that's been sent back to the cake fridge ...unless you willing to settle for someone else's Leftovers ....

Tashiani " knows cake " Padiachy
please note that no cakes were abused during the research of this note :-)